Your Old Life Has Been Demolished…How Do You Begin to Rebuild?

First of all….Oooooooo…I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, and I’m sending you a lot of love, comfort, and ease as you work your way through the rubble.

If your world hasn’t imploded before, it is a heartache that is hard to accurately put into words. There is confusion, anger, sadness, grief, frustration, agitation, fury, relief, curiosity, and sometimes, even a little excitement…and you can go through all of these emotions in five minutes or over the course of a day.

Either way, it’s rough, and having gone through it myself, my heart goes out to you.

Add the pressures of working and getting through your everyday tasks, and it’s a lot. 

At the same time, you and I both know there’s only so much wallowing you can do before it gets old. It’s no fun being down in the dumps all the time – aka the sad friend. It’s also not fun always processing, having to explain yourself or things to others, or soothe other people’s worries. 

If anything, you likely want to tell people to leave you alone — “I promise I’m going to be okay. I just need to not be around people right now.” (Sound familiar?)

So, you’re tasked with gathering the energy and finding ways to take care of yourself, work through the mess, re-engage with the world, manage your everyday responsibilities, and do something that brings you some morsel of joy. 

Fortunately, in my experience, with time, people have come to know when I need my time and space to tend to myself and I’ve gotten better at both asking for help and verbalizing when I need to be left alone before my inner Godzilla comes out. LOL

(And yes, for whatever reason, people don’t think I have a spicy / fiery side…but trust me, he exists. It’s usually not pretty. I just prefer not to be a jerk if I don’t need to be. What can I say, I’m human.)

Anyway, rebuilding, reorienting, restoring — all of these take energy and effort when your world has been rocked / demoed either personally or professionally. So, this isn’t to say that the process is fun or easy, but it is intended to give you hope that restoration and recovery are possible. It just might look different than you expected and/or take more time than you may want.

At a high level, here are the key elements that I’ve had to work through in my personal restoration and recovery journey as I’ve been rebuilding. 

I strongly encourage you to consider and explore these for yourself.  

Also note that because this work has taken place at such a deep level, it has impacted both my personal and professional life. So know that that might happen for you as well. 

Some of those changes have been fantastic; some of them have been challenging; all of them have been beneficial for my growth, fulfillment, and highest good (even if they weren’t comfortable or easy decisions / changes to make.)

• Community: Spend time assessing your definition of community and what you honestly want and need from it. Here are some things to think about. What does community mean to you? What is your relationship to being in community? Does it scare you? Do you want it? Is there a push-pull dynamic? Who’s currently in your community? Do the people in it nourish or deplete you? Do you need to step back from communities? Do you need to find new communities? 

Look, as someone who had a lot of trauma / wounding around people, I get it. People can be real @$$holes sometimes, and it can be hard to know who or what to trust when your system hasn’t been wired well for that. (This is part of the reason why I weave nervous system education into my work or encourage people to find other qualified specialists who do. Your discernment gets better.)

But I also know this…you need people / community around you as you rebuild. Repair and restoration happen through (healthy, supportive) interactions and relationships, not self-reliance and hyper-independence. 

• Needs: Identify and honor YOUR needs — not others’ or others’ expectations of what your needs should be. What would nourish you and fill your tank again? What would bring a smile to your face? What are some of those things that when you think about, your immediate response is “I couldn’t possibly have or afford that?” (This doesn’t mean go out and buy it if you don’t have the resources for it right now. It is just an indicator that this thing is important to you or would bring you some level of joy. Hence, it’s important to pay attention to.)

Sometimes, this one might be hard for you. (I’ve struggled with it too. That’s how I know.) So, if you’re struggling with identifying and/or honoring your needs, there’s likely old people-pleasing and/or caregiving tendencies deeply embedded in your system that need to be worked with. 

Here’s the thing, when your foundation gets rocked, trying to put everyone else’s needs above your own no longer works. If anything, it’s going to emotionally wear you out and/or make you resentful. Trying to rebuild with that is not going to make your life easier or more enjoyable. 

Just know that as you prioritize and honor your needs, you’re likely going to piss some people off. That comes with the territory. At the same time, when you come back into better balance, your yes-es will be real yes-es (versus obligatory yes-es) and your nos will be real nos that people come to respect. 

If you don’t know what your needs are, then here’s your opportunity to do some exploration, and at the very least, begin to identify them even if you only get little glimpses. It’s a practice of self-acknowledgment and self-honoring. It doesn’t need to be perfect. 

• Focus: Prioritize which needs are most important to address right now. You only have so much energy, which can fluctuate depending on what’s happening in your day / week. So your attention can’t be scattered all over the place – especially when you’re in the midst of recovery and rebuilding. 

How do you begin? Titrate – meaning start small —  and then add more complexity or priorities as you go and reduce your overwhelm. If you try to do too much, too soon, too quickly, you will stress yourself out even more and likely get stuck in a loop or stop all together. Breaking things down into smaller, bite-sized chunks – while it can be frustrating and sometimes difficult to do – it can help create momentum and get you moving in the right direction.

• Restoration Plan: Build a recovery plan for yourself. Think about a house, you never build a new one without a blueprint. You need your own restoration blueprint for what’s next in your life — be it personal or professional. 

I will say this….this part might take the most effort because you’re processing what happened, reorienting to something new (which you might not be able to see yet), tending to your wellbeing, and trying to create a new vision out of thin air. 

Think about this as all the little bitty things you need to do for yourself as you rebuild. Some examples could be taking an assessment of your environments, what you’re eating, who you’re talking to, what you’re talking about, how you’re spending your days, your sleeping patterns, your alcohol / caffeine / sugar intake, your routines. Are you doing things that bring you joy? Or is everything in your day focused on improving, getting better, fixing? If only the latter, then take a step back and find opportunities to enjoy yourself.

Here’s the reality, trying to clean up all the rubble and messiness from your old life in the most time-efficient way, while it might help to some degree, it’s not going to make the pain, sadness, or discomfort go away. More than anything else, I think taking the time to acknowledge the hurt and/or discomfort is going to be both the hardest, most uncomfortable, and/or most important part of your restoration and recovery journey. It’s just a part of it.

Unfortunately, all we can do is take it one day at a time, and working your way through it is the only way – long-term – that it’s going to get better. So, for now, start here:

• Assess your community.
• Identify and honor your needs.
• Focus and prioritize addressing your top two to three most important needs.
• Begin crafting your own restoration plan.

Not sure if you want to go through this process by yourself or get more personalized guidance? Let’s talk. Click here to schedule your complimentary 45-minute Life Maximizer Discovery Call.

Photo by Jose Antonio Gallego Vázquez