Here’s what I’ve learned from living with Spasmodic Dysphonia (SD)…
I am MUCH more than SD!
As I began to write this article, the first sentence that came to mind was…
“Hope and healing are possible when you genuinely love yourself and have compassion for yourself.”
I know this to be true, but wow! Even as I re-read the sentence, I see how much this is a constant practice. I guess this is just a good reminder that regardless of all of the development work and training I’ve done, this is a life-long process for me as well.
We’re all given challenges. What I’m learning is that I have a choice in how I look at my circumstances.
As I think about the past eight years and my struggles with my voice disorder, Spasmodic Dysphonia (or SD), I can’t help but to laugh sometimes.
I remember people coming over to the apartment and asking my roommates why I would always go in my room or not talk.
I remember going to restaurants with my teammates and giving my friend, Graeme, “the look” so that he knew he’d have to order for me.
The worst was when a lady from the billing office at the Stanford hospital called saying I owed $50,000 for my knee surgeries.
I spent a good 15 minutes trying to explain to her that she needed to talk to my parents and her saying,
“I can’t understand you. Will you repeat that?”
Then I called my parents to explain to them that they needed to call the hospital, and them saying the same thing.
Ugh!
I was so frustrated and exhausted from trying to talk. All I could do was hang up, drop to my knees and cry. Was this what the rest of my life was going to be like?
I didn’t want to live this way because this wasn’t a quality of life.
Yet, despite the tears, the frustration, the hopelessness, and the Botox injections into my vocal cords, I’m still standing. Actually, I feel stronger than before. Not to mention, when I’m 70, I’ll have the youngest looking neck around!
It feels good to finally laugh again.
For me, it means that there’s hope. Don’t get me wrong. There are still days when I want to stick my head in the sand, but I know that the feeling will eventually pass. I don’t know whether or not my voice will ever be “normal” again, but what’s normal anyway?
I do know this.
I’m not the same person I was eight years ago when I was first diagnosed.
I am not my voice disorder, and I never have to let it define who I am.
In fact, I’m an incredibly powerful human being. I’m resilient, courageous, strong, and imperfect. I’ve got my stuff just like everyone else, and there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to be “fixed.”
To truly acknowledge and embrace that is so liberating. It gives me permission and the space to say this is who I am –imperfections, voice disorder and all.
Through this whole process, I’ve learned that all I really want is to be at peace.
Life can change in an instant, and we have a limited amount of time. Regardless of the situation, we truly have two choices. We can either resist what’s happening, or we can go with the flow. Trust me. Things are a lot easier when you choose the latter and a lot more peaceful.
So, as always, I’m learning something new about myself every day.
Each day, I’m getting more clarity about what is most important to me, what I really want, how I want to spend my time and who I want to be. I want to continue building my relationship with my partner and my family, travel, enjoy quality time with my friends and just be content with life. I want to do work that inspires me and is meaningful to me. I want to be happy, and for me, that simply means being myself.
Today, I learned that I haven’t been giving myself the self-love, self-care and compassion that I need. So now, I can to spend the rest of the day doing that, and that’s exciting! I get to choose to move towards hope and healing.
So I’m curious what your ailment or challenge is teaching you… please leave me a comment below. Thanks in advance.
© 2014 Donell Hill
About the Author
Donell (“Donnie”) believes that people are here on Earth to thrive and live their best life possible despite any circumstances that life brings them. He combines his life lessons until now with his Stanford University education, experiences as a Certified Cancer Journey Coach and Peer Health Educator, as a NASM Certified Personal Trainer and a professional actor to help people live their potential and maximize their lives. After all, our collective future depends on it. See www.TheLifeMaximizer.com for more.