The Surprising Joy I Rediscovered While Going Through a Divorce: 10 Things I’ve Learned as a Leader about Welcoming Grief and Acceptance

Feeling seen feels so good.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had anyone in your life reflect back to you the gifts they see in you, but it is one of the most restorative and soul-nourishing acknowledgments you could ever receive.

When I was 26, Keri, one of my coaching mentors, said to me, “Donnie, one of the reasons your work is as impactful as it is is because you’re real. You speak from your heart. You say what needs to be said. People feel your warmth and care when you say it; and although you are direct, you say it with a level of compassion and kindness that doesn’t shame or blame them. That’s a gift.” 

For 10 years, her words have stuck with me, and I’d like to think the sentiment is still somewhat true.

So, the intention of this blog post is, in part, in response to Keri’s reflection to me — to be human and real.

If you’ve been following my work at all, then you know I usually spend a good portion of the time talking about confident and competent communication, restoration and recovery for leaders and entrepreneurs, sustainable business growth, and nervous system regulation.

Well, lately, I’ve been getting the nudge to weave in other topics related to more universal, everyday human pangs and share insights about some of the harder transitions and not-so-good-feeling parts of life.

While I absolutely love conversations about the real stuff we go through as humans, for better or worse, I tend to talk about them in a pretty candid way. So, if you’re new here, then you’ll have to be the judge of whether you find it helpful. 

Over the past few months,  I’ve spoken briefly about separating, going through my divorce, and building a new life. 

What I haven’t really talked a lot about is all the growth, learning, and personal transformation that have come as a result of it. And personally, I believe there are some helpful nuggets to share. 

In April 2022, I left my relationship after 14 years. Now, I get it. It’s nothing new. People do it all the time. I’m not the first. I won’t be the last. AND, at that time, it was one of the most difficult decisions and most significant turning points in my life because there were so many unknowns.

Since college, I’ve spent a lot of my personal and professional life in the spiritual coaching and personal development space, and it used to piss me off so much when I would hear spiritual teachers or coaches say things like, “Happiness is a choice.” or “Joy is your decision.”

I thought, “What kind of spiritual, California mess is this?!? If I knew how to chooooooooooose happiness, then don’t you think I would, but I don’t…so now, what? What should I do?”

Fast forward to today, I get it now (at least, more than I used to LOL).

What I’ve realized is that what a lot of spiritual teachers and coaches often fail to follow up with is “…and some days, that ‘choice’ will be hard, or at least take more effort than you initially thought — especially when you are going through difficult life transitions.”

Well, some of the biggest lessons for me over the past 18+ months have been around learning how to make space for the grief, sadness, and rage as well as learning how to more consistently choose joy, peace, and acceptance. 

To say the least, it’s no easy task. In fact, most of the time, I wanted to give up and just sit in the bitterness. But I realize that’s not me and that’s definitely not how I want to live my life.  

So, the 10 insights below are intended to shed some light on some of the mental, emotional, and self-perception shifts I’ve had to make to reconnect (or stay connected) to my joy even while walking away from my previous relationship and going through a divorce.  

1. This sh*t is hard. Period. There’s no need to sugar coat it…at least not with me. Despite my decision to leave being the right, healthy thing for me to do, it was still heart-breaking. I spent 14 years with my ex – formative years (ages 21-35). There was a lot of learning and development that happened. There were a lot of fond memories created. And there was a lot of pain too. So, trying to pretend that it didn’t hurt or negatively impact me would be a lie. It’s okay to acknowledge the painfulness of the situation. In fact, it’s healthy. 
2. For a period, your emotions are probably going to be all over the place at any given moment. There might even be times when it feels like you’re losing your mind (and you could be). So, get help when you need it. For my fellow control-freaks, it will probably get a little messier than you’d like it to be. That’s a natural and sometimes, important part of the unraveling process. When there’s space for the messiness and the unraveling, you get to breathe a little more, acknowledge your humanity, and not take things so seriously. The other day, I told a buddy who is about to go through a divorce that I wish someone would’ve given me a way to think about the emotional ups and downs in the hope that it would make it a little more tolerable. The two analogies I used with him were a wave and an accordion. With the wave analogy, there’s the ebb and flow. Some days, you’ll feel expansive and on top of the world, but just know that, at some point, that wave must come back and crash against the shore too. So, make space for that. The accordion analogy is new, but I like it. Accordions make music as they expand and contract – some of those notes sound beautiful and others sound awful. However, there’s fluidity; they never stay on one note. Know that in the moments you hit the bad notes, you’ll also hit some good ones soon thereafter.
3. Some days, you’re just not going to be “spiritual” or come across as a “good” or “kind” person. Regardless of how much “Conscious Uncoupling” you try to do, there are still going to be times when you get triggered, want to fight, scream, cuss them out, etc. Know that you’re not going to be in your Zen, Buddha, or Christ-like state at times, and that’s okay. Hell, even Jesus took a break from people to go sit in a cave by himself for a while. I tell my parents all the time, if Jesus needed a break from people, then it should be no surprise that us regular humans need one too.
4. Most of the time, no one else will be able to tell you what’s right for you. The different people around you will care and/or agree / disagree with your decision at varying levels. Ultimately, you are the one who must be onboard and okay with your decision. Some will ask why you don’t try to work it out. Some will say good riddance and cheer you on. Some won’t care. Some will slide into your DMs and let you know they’ve been waiting to ask you out for a long time. All of it is useful information to help you categorize those in your support network. Some of it is entertaining — and some is flattering. Practice discerning what YOU need, and which people and/or attitudes are most helpful for where you are in your process.
5. There will be several days when and where you feel a sigh of relief because you know you made a great decision; and there will also be days when you might cry and realize that there was a lot you didn’t like, or you just normalized / tolerated. (That said, if you’re dealing with domestic violence, do what you need to protect yourself and/or get the right support to help you safely leave that situation.)
6. CRY. In the words of Miranda Priestly, “That’s all.” (Meryl Streep – Devil Wears Prada). Let. It. Out. It’s healthy; it’s necessary; it’s cleansing; and it’s NORMAL. I’ve cried A LOT over the past 18 months – probably more than I have in my entire 36 years. I remember there were at least 10 days straight about two months after moving into my apartment and living on my own where I just started to randomly cry in the middle of eating my dinner. As you can imagine, the first three or four days, I thought, “What the heck is going on?” The nights after, I knew what to expect. As soon as I sat down to eat and I would feel the tears come, I’d just let them flow – looking a hot, busted mess as I wailed – tears running down my face, and food falling out of my mouth. (Sexy, right?) But it was what it was, and it was also what I needed. Once I started to accept that this might be part of my dinner ritual, there was a new level of peace and light-heartedness that I began to feel again.
7. Not all people are bad. Some people just want to love on you. Sometimes, this might mean you have to force yourself to be around people…but be around the right people. As an empath / introvert, I am really comfortable in my own company, AND so much of my learning and healing came from allowing the right people to love on, support me, and pour into me. That said, I’ve also cut a lot of people out. I’ve needed to give myself some space to really assess those relationships and their impact on my life and well-being. Your timeline and/or decision for doing this is yours, nobody else’s. The point is, so many people suffer when they go through these hard transitions because they’re trying to be strong and do it all by themselves. Uh-Uh! Give that up. We’re not meant to operate in that way, especially when we’re going through this kind of change.
8. As you move further along in your restoration journey, you will likely start getting more of your power, confidence, light, and joy back. So, people might not know how to address the “new you.” You might scare people. You might intimidate them. They might begin to see you as arrogant now because you’re reclaiming and exuding a higher level of self-respect that screams, “If you’re going to say something or try to bring something to my attention, come correct. Don’t bring me B.S!” It’s empowering; it’s funny; it’s fun; and it can also be a bit heartbreaking because you begin to realize the messed-up things people do or say to try to manipulate you or take advantage of your kindness. Now, when the new, more direct you with better boundaries shows up, they’re taken aback…That’s okay. Let them do some of the work that requires them to change their behavior(s) to meet and interact with you in this new place. If they can’t or don’t want to, then take that as useful information for how you want to move forward with that relationship.
9. BAY-BEE! Self-honoring is sexy AF! When you reconnect with more of your joy, people will make lots of assumptions because it will look and feel like you’re going through some kind of glow up. In many ways, you are! Revel in it. You are / have gone through a lot that people can’t even imagine or don’t know anything about. So, practice receiving and remembering all the goodness that is coming to you. It did not come without you making lots of hard decisions to take care of yourself, speak up, advocate for yourself, put your wants, desires, dreams, and needs on the table, and build a more joyful, loving life for yourself.
10. There will be plenty of people who will continue to talk about you, have opinions, run their mouths, etc. People will keep on people-ing. Let them. While you might wish they wouldn’t or have them know the story from your end, it’s not your job to give your time, energy, and attention to their lack of information. Unless you tell them, most have absolutely no clue what you’re going through or what you have to go through on a daily basis to get through your day. (And to be honest, they probably don’t care.) So, while it’s not fun or easy to have people bad-mouth you, do your best to acknowledge your feelings if or when they are hurt, process them and/or communicate them, and then keep it moving.

I know this was a lengthy post, but I hope you were at least mildly entertained as you read through it and found some of these insights applicable to your own experience.

Stepping into uncharted territory can be scary. Personally, I had no clue what would bubble up to the surface, what kind of internal ups and downs I’d face, how much of my old self I’d have to let go, or how much of my confidence and joy I’d rediscover in the process. I just knew I couldn’t do the same thing and ignore myself any longer.

That said, learning how to let go of control a bit and surrender to the process of my divorce and the personal transformation, taught me how to become a more joyful human, a more caring and compassionate leader, and a more  experienced guide for other leaders going through a similar situation.

Now, while portions of the ride have been rough, most of it has been well worth it.

If this post was helpful and/or entertaining, share it with your friends, colleagues, and loved ones who might be looking for some help through their transition.

If you’re a business leader or entrepreneur who’s going through this yourself, and you’d like some guidance, let’s talk. Click here to schedule your complimentary 45-minute Life Maximizer Discovery Call.

Here’s to making the courageous, and sometimes, difficult decision to choose becoming a more joyful human (even in the midst of the chaos)!